Love is selfish

And it has to be. You have to be.

When you start liking someone, you are selfish. You want them to see you. You do the little things – fix your hair, start exercising, try to be as interesting as possible – all of it for them to notice you. You do the big things – talk to them, be where they are, laugh at their jokes… ask them out. You do these things – for you. Because liking someone happens inside your head. Because when you like someone, you want them to see the best version of you and so that’s what you show. And isn’t that selfish?

When you ask them out, you are selfish. Because you want to feed the butterflies in your stomach. When you ask them out, you know there are only two options and either one is a win-win… for you. When they say no, you get to know and you get to move on. When they say yes, you get to know and you get to move forward. Because asking someone out benefits you with knowledge and you use that to know what’s next. And isn’t that selfish?

When you start going out, you are selfish. Because still, as much as you want them to like you, you are also assessing the possibility of a real relationship. Sure you want this and sure you want them but a butterfly’s life span is about 12 months – perhaps shorter, and you need to know if you can hold on to whatever’s left. Without the butterflies. And isn’t that selfish?

When you finally are in a relationship, you are selfish. Because you want it to work. Because you already love them. Because you don’t want anyone else. And you go about to doing the little things – make them smile, ask them about their day, tell them you love them. You go about doing the big things – making them safe, caring about their day, actually showing them your love. All of it to make it work. All of it so you can keep them in your life. And isn’t that selfish?

When you feel it’s about to end, you are selfish. Because you worry and that’s all you can think about. Because the agony of  anxiety doesn’t let you feel anything else. Because you spiral into thinking what you are doing wrong – perhaps so you can have the chance to make it right. And you try to make it right. And isn’t that selfish?

And when it ends, you are selfish. Because all you can think about is the pain. Because you obsess about how they hurt you. Because you obsess about how hurt you are. You are consumed and that’s all you talk about. That’s all you feel. And somehow it seems that that’s all that matters. And isn’t that selfish?

And when you finally moved on, you are selfish. Because this time you focus on yourself. You learn from your mistakes and you try to be better. For you. For your happiness. And isn’t that selfish?

Love is selfish. And it has to be. You have to be. Or I have it all wrong.